The Palmetto's

Even though I'm a bit weary of "speaking to soon" and jinxing myself on said subject, I'm going to do it anyway. I haven't seen anything yet. I removed all the gross traps that were lying around the apartment when I moved in. The very sight of them were a constant, horrible reminder of what may come. Now, I know that the summer weather may bring the ones that fly. I don't even want to type their NYC name...so let's just call them the Palmetto's. It sounds much nicer. Anyway, I hope for their sake they stear clear of this apartment. They would be stupid to attempt entry as certain death awaits them...and what a terrible, painful, ugly death it will be. I remember many years ago, my then roommate and I were just 2 days in our new, lovely apartment when we found something awful in the bathtub. It was HUGE. We both freaked out and didn't know what to do...neither of us felt that we could step on it becuase we knew the crunching sound would be unbearable. Okay, so I feel that I must be honest at this point and mention that we had just smoked weed and were, well, stoned...but please don't let that deter you from believeing my story...I promise it really happened.

OK, so back to our friend who we will call Mr. Palmetto. Young and stoned, we didn't know quite what to do with Mr. Palmetto and in our stoned states didn't really want to deal with it. So, roommate comes up with the wise idea of grabbing a glass and trapping Mr. Palmetto in it so that he can't make a getaway. Were he to escape, he would surely contaminate the other rooms in the apartment. We figured that we can keep him trapped while we decide how to dispose of him. So, she flys into the kitchen, grabs a glass and we, well, SHE imprisons him. Needless to say, that glass went directly into the trash after all was said and done. Now, safe from Mr. Palmetto, we try to figure out what to do. Roommate comes up with second great idea, which is a common one, and grabs a shoe. With a great show of bravery, roommate lifts the glass. Mr. Palmetto, that quick little shit that he was, made a run for it. He gets out of the tub, out of the bathroom and as far as the hallway. Roommate grabs the glass and once again manages to imprison him. Fuck. Now what?

It is at this point that roommate decides that she has had enough of Mr. Palmetto. With shoe in slap position she is prepared to end his life. She lifts the glass yet again and with the force of a sledgehammer, brings the shoe down on Mr. Palmetto. Crunch, crunch. Silence. She carefully lifts the shoe... and wouldn't you know it, Mr. Palmetto was still alive and well. I swear. He tries to make a run for it, but since he must have sustained SOME form of an injury, he's kinda slow. Back in the glass he goes. Now we are both really unhinged. And stoned. Roommate then becomes angry. She goes back into the kitchen, where apparantly all the weapons for killing Mr. Palmetto and his cousins are located, and comes back out with....a knife. I look at her with confused and scared eyes. "WTF are you gonna do with that"? "Watch" she says. "We are ending this NOW". Please take note that my prissy ass has done nothing but watch since this whole ordeal began. Although, I never did claim to be butch...and for the record she's a straight girl.

Anyway, up comes the glass again and roommate takes the knife and calmly slices off Mr. Palmetto's head. Wow. His head is now about a half of an inch away from his body...literally hanging by "threads". His "tendons" or whatever they are, are still attached to his body and head. Now this is where people stop believing me. Like watching an accident happen, we both stare in horror with our mouths agape as Mr. Palmetto's head was being pulled back onto his body. We didn't wait much longer to see what would happen next. What we saw was enough to give us plenty of nightmares. Roommate then used the shoe like a serial killer uses a knife and hit Mr. Palmetto so many times, with so much force, that only a flattened, gooey mess remained. I know you don't believe me. That's okay. I know. I saw. I know the power of the Palmetto's. I just have this to leave you with: Watch out. The Palmetto's fly.

Night! Sleep tight... and do whatever you can do to stop the Palmetto's from taking flight!